Every day I feel a tiny bit stronger. I have to work really bloody hard at it and there are so many moments of doubt and fear but every day I allow the belief that this baby is here to keep creep in. Most of the time I feel like I have to protect myself from it; let it wash over me for a second before shaking myself back to reality. The reality that our first baby died, that babies die for no reason all the time, that people have more than one baby die and there’s no reason to say that won’t happen to us. It sounds awful (and utterly exhausting too) but that is mine and so many other people’s reality. Slowly though, I am forcing myself sit with the feeling of ‘my baby will live’ for a little bit longer and it is wonderful.
Bonding has definitely been the focus of the last couple of weeks. Whilst things have been difficult with memories of Aneurin’s diagnosis, it’s natural that we’ve struggled with finding our hope and ability to look forward with Poglet. It’s a reminder of our reality and with that in mind both of us have been trying to make more of a conscious effort to bond with her and spend a bit more time focused on her. We’ve been sitting down at least once a day and just taking the time to connect with eachother about how we’re feeling at the minute and with that we have a little bump time. We seem to do it when she’s moving around a lot so Mr D can feel her and we can share that little bit of excitement together. I also bought a few books for Mr D to read to her at night which has been quite emotional but very special. He’s been struggling quite a bit lately and has been signed off work for a couple of weeks so this time as a little family feels so healing right now.
The biggest thing we’ve done in the last couple of weeks is sort through all the baby clothes we have. It was a spur of the moment thing (I find it far, far easier doing things as and when we feel we’re able to rather than plan to do them) and although it was very difficult, I’m glad we did it. I want to write a separate post on passing items down from a baby who never used them because I could ramble on about it for a long time. It felt lovely being able to do something for our little girl with our big boy in mind.
Physically I feel as though I’m doing quite well. My sciatica and pelvic pain isn’t as bad as it was a few weeks ago which I’m putting down to my yoga classes once a week and using my birthing ball at home. I’m still very mindful of not forcing myself to walk very far at once and if I am out and about I make sure I sit down regularly to take the pressure off my pelvis. I am getting quite light headed at times, especially if I’ve been standing up for very long which isn’t great but I know there are a lot of blood pressure changes around 26 weeks so I’m not overly concerned. It’s a good excuse to sit down a lot and who doesn’t love a sit down?!
|26 week bump!|
This week did come with a pretty unpleasant discovery in that I have Gestational Diabetes. It was always a very real possibility with my having PCOS and being slightly insulin resistant already but magically, it didn’t rear it’s head last year and my first test at 16 weeks was clear. However, my 26 week test was positive. Although it was always in the back of my mind, it did knock me off my feet a bit purely because it’s a potential complication. I had been doing a lot of thinking about whether I actually wanted to be induced at 38 weeks prior to this and was toying with the idea of requesting that I be allowed to go to 40 weeks but now that’s not really an option. Naturally my brain only wants to focus on the potential complications and what ifs but realistically I know it’s such a common thing during pregnancy and if it’s controlled then I have no need to worry. Realism and rationale aren’t luxuries I have anymore though so I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been quite tearful and flappy about it over the last couple of days. Annoyingly I have to wait a week before I see anyone about it but I’ve been doing masses of research and have found some fantastic resources run by mums who have pointed me in the right direction in terms of diet. I’ll definitely be sharing more of this because it’s going to be a big change over the next 11 weeks.
Finishing on a high note, here are my five good things about the last couple of weeks:
1. Seeing my lovely husband read to my bump and feeling Poglet jumping around in response to his voice. Pure joy.
2. My mum picking up a little sleepsuit in Next that says ‘best little sister’ on the front. I burst into tears in the middle of the shop! Thankfully though my mum is quite used to this and doesn’t bat an eyelid and just gives me a cuddle. She’s a good one is my mum.
3. Mr D and I had a 4.30am fishing trip to the beach whilst we were staying at my parents’. It was a bit chilly but I wrapped myself up in a blanket like a sausage roll and really enjoyed some quiet time by the sea.
4. One of the wonderful midwives who looked after me whilst I was pregnant with Aneurin and came to meet him when he was born did a skydive this week and wrote Aneurin and another special baby, Cassie, on her to remind her to be fearless. She’s been in Australia for the last few months and has taken Aneurin on so many of her adventures which makes my heart sing in the most incredible way.
5. Seeing the fruits of my volunteering pop up in mine and hundreds of other peoples’ inboxes! If you’re not signed up the MAMA Academy newsletter, you definitely should be 😉