This update is long overdue so I apologise if it’s lengthy! I missed the 20 week update and I’m cutting it fine with this one as I’m technically only 22 weeks pregnant for another day but I wanted to squeeze it in. The reason I’ve been a bit slack with blogging the last few weeks is because things have been a bit tough for various reasons. As much as I want to make the most of this pregnancy and document every little thing, it’s not always possible and I’d much rather let things slide than put unnecessary pressure on myself. I think during a pregnancy after loss it’s natural to feel torn between just wanting to tick the days off until your baby is safely in your arms and feeling like you should be fighting the anxiety and enjoying it more. Most of the time I have a good balance but when my brain is feeling a bit woolly, it gets a bit much.
The biggest reason for hibernating is that our 20 week scan didn’t quite go as planned. Due to Poglet being in a funny position and my wobbly tummy the sonographer couldn’t quite see everything she needed to. At the time it was incredibly scary and I spent most of the scan in tears as I knew by her silence that something wasn’t quite right. She made no effort to reassure us despite my obvious distress which I found very frustrating and only explained what was happening when I asked if something was wrong. She said that she couldn’t get a good look at baby’s heart, kidneys, diaphragm and the base of the spine and they would need to bring me back in two weeks to rescan. We had a cardiac scan booked with the fetal medicine team for two weeks but she said we definitely needed a separate appointment because they wouldn’t look at anything else. The appointment the receptionist gave me clashed with the cardiac scan but when I told them they insisted I didn’t need to be rescanned as the fetal medicine team could do it. We were so worried, both that there was something wrong with Poglet and that we would go the cardiac scan only to find they wouldn’t check those extra bits. It was a pretty unpleasant couple of days trying to calm ourselves and rationalise the situation. Thankfully though my wonderful midwife came to the rescue! She said that if the sonographer had struggled to see just one thing then maybe that would be cause for concern but as it was a few things it really was just down to poor views. She helped my squishy-tummy-guilt too by saying that it was clear from the report that it wasn’t just me, Poglet was in a less than favourable position. She also rang the fetal medicine team to ensure they allocated enough time to check for everything and that they knew the situation. I am so very grateful to have her on our side, she makes this journey a lot easier!
We’ll be having our cardiac scan the morning this post is published so fingers crossed all will be okay. I should mention the reason we’re having that is due to Aneurin having a congenital heart defect. It’s protocol to have a next baby checked for any heart anomalies, although I only found that out after I had asked for one because my consultant had forgotten! I’m really glad we’re having it as Aneurin’s was missed at the 20 week scan and wasn’t picked up until after we had had the diagnosis of Down’s syndrome and I had pushed for in depth scans to assess his physical health. As it was most likely the thing that caused his death I think knowing our Poglet is clear of it will be an enormous weight off our minds.
21 week bump!
Physically, I’m feeling really good other than some unpleasant back pain. My lower back aches a lot at the minute, especially if I’m doing anything other than sitting in a comfortable chair which isn’t particularly great. I’m also having a lot of sciatic nerve pain in my right side and my pelvis has been feeling quite loose in the last few days. I’ve had quite a few instances of feeling popping and grinding sensations in my hips and pelvis, especially when I get out of bed first thing in the morning or stand up after having been sat down for a while. Having had such severe SPD and sciatica in my previous pregnancy and falling pregnant again so quickly I fully expected this. There are ways in which I’m managing it though and there’ll be a post in the next couple of weeks all about them.
One of my best girls, Victoria, got in touch last week and asked me if she could organise a baby shower for Poglet. She threw my one for Aneurin and it is one of my most favourite and treasured memories of our time with him. I had planned to blog about it but Aneurin died two weeks after so I never had the chance. At first my instinct was that I couldn’t have another shower, it felt too risky and would be too difficult emotionally but I quickly realised that actually, I need one. I need to celebrate Poglet with my friends and family, she deserves that and I deserve that. I love thinking about my Aneurin shower and the photos of that day sit so proudly in his photo album. It felt wonderful being able to celebrate him after what we had been through in the previous weeks with his mis-diagnosis, then correct diagnosis and coming to terms with everything. Victoria had made such an effort to include the fact that we had been through that and that he would have extra challenges and it made it all the more special. She did such an incredible job and I know she’ll do it again. I realised that this is the first really positive thing I have to look forward to with this pregnancy. I have so many appointments in my diary and milestones to reach but they’re all filled with fear and apprehension whereas this is something purely joyful and celebratory. The more I think about it the more excited I feel and excitement isn’t something I feel often at the minute so I am embracing it fully!
22 week bump!
I’m going to start ending these posts with five of the best things about the last couple of weeks so here goes!
1. My bump has really popped out this week and I’m feeling a little bit more confident about my pregnant body. There are no more ‘is she/isn’t she?’ second glances and people I don’t know have been mentioning my bump more which is lovely!
2. We found out at the 20 week scan that my placenta is posterior this time (it was anterior with Aneurin so cushioned a lot of movement) and boy, can I tell! I cannot believe how much I can feel her, it definitely helps with the anxiety and makes me feel so full of joy.
3. We watched one of my closest friends get married this weekend. It was a truly beautiful day and I was honoured to do a reading for them during the ceremony. I even managed to get through it without crying even if the bride didn’t! I had so many compliments on the Lady Voluptuous dress I was wearing and for the first time in ages I felt really lovely. I’ll be reviewing the dress later on in the month.
4. My giant maternity pillow arrived! I had put off buying one for ages because I didn’t think I could justify the cost but I’m so glad I did because it is simply magic. Having to turn over at night with one pillow between my knees, one under my bump and all under a heavy duvet was driving me mad but this makes life a lot easier. It’s so comfortable!
5. And the absolute best thing, Mr D felt Poglet move for the first time! We were laying in bed at night and she started doing these enormous kicks so I put his hand on my tummy expecting her to stop but she didn’t. It was so strong and so powerful! We both had a little cry and a cuddle. Those moments are so precious and it really couldn’t have come at a better time for both of us.
Edited to add – Our scan went wonderfully! The consultant remembered us and was so patient and gentle with us. Not only did he clear Poglet of any heart defects he looked at all her organs and everything in detail and she looks absolutely fine. The words ‘healthy’, ‘good’ and ‘normal’ were used a lot! We both feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and for the first time we are starting to believe we might actually get to keep her which is an incredible feeling. A huge milestone reached and smashed!