Today I am scared.
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I’m scared because I thought I was coping but I’ve realised I’m not. I’m spending each day manically distracting myself, petrified to be alone for five minutes with nothing to focus my mind on. The second I feel anything I swallow hard and shake it off, pushing whatever it was down and away so I don’t have to deal with it. I can feel it building up and intensifying inside of me and I know it has to surface but I’m so scared. I don’t want to feel it.
I’m scared because I don’t know who I am anymore. This has changed me completely. I was pregnant me for 8 wonderful months. It was hard and tiring and at times really very difficult but I loved being pregnant me. That identity was taken away from me so quickly along with parent me who I was so incredibly excited to be. I can’t go back to the me before I was pregnant, not with what I know now. I am such a different person now I know what it’s like to grow a child, to love them so fiercely before they even move and then to feel that life and personality move inside me, I can’t ever forget that. It changed me. I can’t be the me I was before but I can’t be pregnant me or parent me either. I have no idea who I am. If I carve a person from what I have now she will be empty and sad and broken and that’s not who I want to be.
I’m scared because I can laugh and enjoy myself and I don’t understand. It’s real and it’s lovely because I need to feel hope but it scares me.
I’m scared because I woke up this morning and Aneurin wasn’t the first thing I thought about. He appeared a minute or so after but I’m so used to him being there as soon as I wake up and it was horrible. I felt like I had forgotten him, betrayed him. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to not think about him all the time.
I’m scared because I have that overwhelming swell of emotion in my chest right now. My eyes sting, my head aches and something is twisting in the pit of my stomach. But rather than let it flow I am swallowing hard and gritting my teeth because I’m scared if I don’t it will just never stop.